The Onion
U.S. to Fight Terror With Terror
WASHINGTON, DC—In a response to recent acts of extreme
violence against Americans in Iraq and mounting
criticism of U.S. military policy at home, Defense
Secretary Donald Rumsfeld announced the government's
new strategy of fighting terror with terror Monday.
"Look, in order to catch a rat, you gotta think like
one," Rumsfeld said in a grainy and degraded videotape
message filmed at an unknown location and released to
CNN Monday. "We've been pussy-footing around the war
on terrorism for years. All that time, the answer was
right in front of us: In order to wipe out terror
around the globe, once and for all, we've gotta beat
them at their own game."
"We tried playing fair," Rumsfeld continued. "But how
can you play by the rules when your opponent doesn't
even know the rules? You don't bring a knife to a
gunfight. That's just the way it is, folks. It's a
dog-eat-dog world."
On the seven-minute tape, Rumsfeld is joined by
counter-terrorist leaders Vice-President Dick Cheney
and Attorney General John Ashcroft, each seated on
folding chairs in front of an American flag. Ashcroft
described some tactics the government currently
uses—pre-dawn assaults on civilian targets and
subjecting potential stateside traitors to
psychological intimidation—as a "small step in the
right direction."
"I can't really say what we have planned for the
future," Rumsfeld said. "As terrorists, fear and
uncertainty will be our best weapons. Let me just say
that the gloves are off. It is inevitable that
indiscriminate attacks will be carried out, and
innocents will lose their lives, but the end will
justify the means."
Rumsfeld refused to comment on the recent abuse of
military prisoners in Iraq and Afghanistan, other than
to characterize those abuses as "nothing compared to
what we are capable of."
"It's vital to remember that these terrorists hate
freedom," Rumsfeld said. "Well, guess what? From now
on, we're going to hate it even more. Do you think
terrorists care about due process and fair treatment
of prisoners? Of course not. Why should we give them
the upper hand? You fight fire with fire."
Cheney restated that the goal of the new policy is to
put an end to terror around the world, once and for
all.
"It's time to get this war over with," Cheney said.
"The philosopher Eric Hoffer said, 'You can discover
what your enemy fears most by observing the means he
uses to frighten you.' Well, we've been observing, but
finally we've started taking notes. We'll have these
terrorists running scared in no time."
Cheney urged Americans to "be on alert" in upcoming
months.
"Seneca once said, 'To be feared is to fear: No one
has been able to strike terror into others and at the
same time enjoy peace of mind,'" Cheney said. "If we
want these terrorists to fear the U.S., we as a people
need to be filled with fear. Expect to see more
heavily armed, uniformed officers, both at home and
abroad."
Elliott Abrams, Special Assistant to the President and
Senior Director For Near East and North African
Affairs, said that the Bush Administration
acknowledged the ethical inconsistencies of its
opposing-terrorism-through-terrorism stance, but
doesn't really care.
"Look, any eighth-grader knows that the line between
good and evil is blurry," Abrams said. "Our concern is
the safety of the American people. An eye for an eye:
Let's see if that plan works."
Abrams refused to provide clues about the time and
method of attack, other than to allude to an
"election-year surprise."
"Just wait and you'll see," Abrams said. "Martin
Luther King said, 'Returning violence for violence
multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night
already devoid of stars.' Well, enemies of democracy
and freedom around the world are going to find out
just how right he was. They'll see just how dark it
can get."
Experts from the Mukhabarat el-Aama Egyptian
intelligence service have deemed the message
authentic.
"There is no doubt who the men on the tape are,"
spokesman Sulieman Assad said. "Cheney can clearly be
recognized from previous tapes, albeit a bit aged, and
John Ashcroft is wearing his iconic stern, fanatical
expression. I would recommend that the Arab world
raise its security alert level to 'severe,' but
apparently, it has already been that way for some
time."
originally published at http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4020&n=1
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